With every good thing that happens to me comes this little voice in my head that says "you don't deserve this". Every time somebody is nice to me, every time somebody is generous without wanting a return for their generosity, every time something good happens, I question it and there is that voice. I know whose voice it is. It's the voice of a little girl that still lives in me. The voice of a scared 10 year old, living in an even scarier world. A world where good things don't just happen. It's like there are two of me living in one body. One is that untrusting little girl. The other is a strong, confident, secure, powerful and empowered woman. And because this is the only reality that I've ever known, a dual existence, I wonder if one can exist without the other. Can a woman be so confident and empowered without that shy scared, timid little girl living inside her? When I hear her tiny voice in my head, the mother I've become embraces her. I gently tell her to be patient. I rub her hair and tell her she is worthy. Yet, no matter how many times I remind her, she persists. I know why; I need her. She keeps my feet on the ground. That little girl keeps me honest and humble. I don't know who I'd be without her.
What I wish for my children is to never have to hear that voice. Because I know they ARE worth it, as I'm sure my mother felt for me. But, how do you teach this? How can I separate myself from my past and keep the confidence that took me decades to find? How will my son's find their power, yet remain sweet and kind and without judgement? Will they ever have the kind of insight and enlightenment that I have? How could they? They will never know first hand the pains and struggles I have endured. Those obstacles that I had to overcome made me who I am. It's a strange thing to wish hardships on your children for the sake of perspective. I must find a way to be life's substitute teacher on this one. They will get the protection I did not get. I will never let them go hungry. I will stand up for them, advocate for them and raise hell for them. They will know my story. They will be made aware of the reality of neglect and abuse, without ever having to feel it in their hearts. Somehow, we will find a beautiful harmony between my past, my present and their future. I can't wait to see how it all unfolds. It will be a beautiful symphony.
You are a fierce and loving mama... you'll figure it out. :) Just remember that pain is the great teacher and as they grow, they will need to learn how to fail as well as to succeed and how to start advocating for themselves. Dominick, of course, will need to do this sooner than Eddie, but it would be good for Eddie to learn this at some point, also. I have no doubt you'll do a great job teaching them how to be both confident and compassionate. :)
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